Email 10 Retarded Money Saving Tips (People Are Actually Trying)

Sleep in the Airport

Here's a sticky situation. You want to take a dream vacation but you're the cheapest son of a bitch you know. How can you enjoy an exotic getaway while at the same time living like the Hobo King you've long aspired to be?

The answer is to do away with all the frills normal people take on vacations; things like solid gold hookers, lobster stuffed lobsters and those snooty "accommodations" the kids are always raving about. Who needs a hotel when the airport you land in has its own roof?

Hooker with an entire body of gold.

There's an entire website out there dedicated to letting your "cheap enough to pick food out of the garbage" ass find the comfiest airports to snuggle up in for a night. That way you can be rested for your vacation, which will no doubt consist of walking tours of factories, free samples at local supermarkets and visiting libraries, parks and communal outhouses around the globe.

Really, if you can put up with not having a bed, a shower, a kitchen, privacy or thousands of people not looking at you all night, then this is the money saving tip for you. Oh, and in an ironic twist, offers up a list of the worst airports with Charles de Galle in Paris coming in at number one.

Why? Because of the number of bums who sleep there.

Separate the Two Ply

Inexplicably, there are sites out there that offer up this tip to save a buck at the cost of dignity, pride and hundreds of hours of your time. And that's with us carefully avoiding the too-gross-to-mention consequences of having your fingers tear through the whisper-thin shit ticket you're working the crevasse with. Wait, we guess we did mention it after all.

One site even does the calculations for you, based on a 100 sheet per day scenario--which we can only assume is accurate as who the fuck counts sheets of toilet paper--and comes up with a whopping savings of nearly $10 a year. Ten whole dollars!

When they repossess your house, you'll still be swimming in toilet paper.

With that extra cash in your pocket, you can afford to go out to a movie or something, though you won't have time for that sort of thing because you'll be too busy devoting about eight hours a day to unspooling toilet paper, separating the layers, then re-spooling each onto separate rolls, and presumably taping the squares back together after they separate from all this handling.

So really it's a worthwhile exercise as long as your time is worth absolutely nothing.

Make Your Own Cat Food

Undoubtedly, you've noticed how close having a cat takes you to the poverty line. Before you brought Fluffer into your life, you were living large in a sweet penthouse apartment and drinking Cristal from the shoes of high class escorts. Now you live in a one bedroom shithole and drink Lysol from your own boot, all because of that cat and its high-priced food. Where do supermarkets get off charging upwards of 70 cents a can?

Cats are assholes.

Well now you can stick it to big cat food by making your own repulsive, meaty sludge at home. Numerous sites offer up recipes and tips for making what amounts to bile-flavored liver and chicken for your special kitty. Imagine the thrill of finely slicing spinach and carrot, parboiling some ground turkey (for a "gravy-like appeal"), vegetable baby food and assorted other fillers, mixing the sludge together with dietary supplements and then serving your cat.

Though we have to admit this works out well for the cat, as you're skipping the factory ingredients that likely include powderized roadkill, fur and the occasional missing homeless dude.

Don't Eat on Monday

We're about to blow your fucking mind with the simplicity of this idea. Are you ready?

So a big chunk of your budget goes to food, right? Well did you know that if you simply stop eating for one day a week, you'll save one-seventh of your food budget? It's in a book and everything!

The plan is pretty simple: Just look over your schedule for the week and find that one 24 hour period of time you're pretty sure you don't actually need to have any nutrients and are willing to let your body feed off of your liver and some muscle tissue for fuel.

During which time you'll doubtlessly be irritable and feel slightly loopy, so we're suggesting Monday. You'll have just one more reason to give human resources when they ask why you bludgeoned a coworker that day, and you'll be secure in the knowledge that you were too weak to cause serious injury when you did it.

Wallow in Your Filth

One of the greatest scams ever perpetrated on mankind has clearly been the scam of cleanliness. Honestly, if living in shit was good enough for our cavemen-ancestors what makes us so high and mighty? Just because you wore those clothes outside, got them covered in crotch sweat, farts, burrito juice and angry hobo spittle, doesn't mean they can't hold out for a couple more wearings before firing up the washer.

That's the advice being handed out by visionaries who want to leapfrog steps like washing in cold and using energy efficient appliances, or even hanging your clothes to dry. All of those are going to cost you more than simply not washing them. It's time to push the envelope, people!

The assumption seems to be that your own natural musk and the various filthy substances you come across from day to day aren't so intolerable as to ruin an outfit after a single day's use. And this may very well be the case if you're an exceptionally clean person or, at the other end of the scale, spend a lot of time around hippies.

Use Your Lint

You may have noticed after a particularly robust load of pajamas, boxer shorts and bath robes that your dryer's lint trap is full to bursting with off color fuzz and a veritable forest of errant pubes. How many times have you peeled off that layer of fluffy nastiness and simply hucked it away without ever stopping to ponder just how many thousands of dollars you just tossed into the trash?

After all, why pay for things like expensive stuffed animal stuffing when you can stuff your own with lint and present little Johnny with his very own 45 percent pubic hair by volume Teddy Bear?

But wait, we're not just talking about slashing the 25 percent or more of the household income most families blow on bear stuffing. Maybe you live in an old, drafty house that has been improperly sealed against the elements, causing your heating and cooling bills to skyrocket.

A little dryer lint in the cracks and suddenly your wayward pubes and the stray pet hairs that had been clinging to your sweater are keeping you toasty all winter long!

Mattress sagging in the middle? Cram some lint in there! Need to stuff your crotch to impress the neighbors? Lint! Need fuel for your lint-powered time machine? Lint, motherfucker!

Make Dog Hair Sweaters

Just look at Old Navy, getting rich while you're headed to the poorhouse, laughing all the way at you and your cotton briefs. Do you know where cotton comes from? Of course not, no one does, and that's how they trick you.

But now you can fight back against those imperialist bastards and their precious textiles by simply making your own clothing out of the hair you brush out of your mangy pets each and every day.

With only minimal shame and an excessive amount of effort, you can buy a book that will show you how to spin your dog or cat's fur into yarn which you can then knit into sweaters, purses, thongs or whatever hideous thing you choose.

No longer will you be a slave to seasonal fashion trends. Instead you'll just be a slave to how long it takes your Shih Tzu to grow in a full coat so you can finish off those pants you've been working on. And the best of all, the finished product, well, totally looks like clothing made of dog hair.

Visit Mexican Dentists

Say, is that impacted wisdom tooth still bugging you? Don't fall victim to the dental industry's shenanigans with their crazy "you should see a dentist" bullshit. At least not in America. While dentists are happy to quickly and efficiently alleviate your pain, they like to tack on a hefty fee and really, what do you get for your money? The ability to eat and sleep and not be in excruciating agony? Pfft, that's clown shoes.

Why not take a road trip to Tijuana instead, if the pain doesn't make you veer off the highway, and visit a dentist who will work for about a quarter of the price? As an added bonus, you can take in a donkey show or get completely blitzed on low grade mescal and forget why you went to Mexico in the first place. How can you afford not to?

Now before we catch hell in the comments for painting Mexico as some kind of drug and taco-filled wasteland, we have nothing against the country and we're not actually questioning the credentials of Mexican dentists. But we will link to The Washington Post, who took it upon themselves to point out the occasional missed oral cancer diagnoses and rampant infections after Mexican dental work.

But hey, there were also free tacos.

DIY Feminine Hygiene

Now, we're all grown-ups here. Menstruation is an actual non-comedy function of the female body and we're only grossed out in the same way we're grossed out by any of the things that come oozing out of the male body.

So when, in the interest of saving Mother Earth and your bank account, some sites start showing us how to make reusable panty liners at home, we're hoping male and female readers alike will consider this a pretty disgusting step backward for humanity. Even if we evolve to a completely sustainable future where even our very farts are harnessed to power our laptops, we'll hopefully still be throwing away the damned Maxi Pads.

But, no, these sites boast that their pads last up to eight years, and they go out of their way to give their reusable pads festive designs, so you can slough your uterine lining all over SpongeBob or the cast of High School Musical. They also note that they make nice gifts...

OK, now they're fucking with us, right?


Open casket funerals are the Ponzi scheme of the death industry, without a doubt. All those morticians and funeral directors are probably taking lavish vacations to exotic places like Detroit at your expense, and all because we continue to want to have funerals in which the bereaved can view their dead loved one resting peacefully.

Embalming is the process we foolishly pay for to preserve the body after death and make open casket funerals both possible and not nightmare-inducing. But it can cost a few grand and, in many states, isn't even required!

So why not save a few bucks and let grandpa compost naturally in his casket? Just keep the lid firmly closed during the funeral and get a few Glade Plug-Ins going, and nobody'll notice the difference.

Make this a requirement in your Will and you can enter the afterlife secure in the knowledge that you've saved enough money for your kids to buy a nice television.

The 10 Most Unhappy Wedding Couple Photos

Weddings are meant to be happy occasions that lead to marriages (which are often unhappy occasions but that's another story). However, not ever wedding couple is a picture of happiness on their big day. Here's a look at the 10 Most Unhappy Wedding Couples we could find.

10. The "Stay On Your Side Of The Marriage Bench" Couple

9. The Bride Who Hates Her Groom And Her Maid Of Honor

8. Do You Take This Bottle To Be Your Lawful Wedded Husband?

7. The Crying Groom

6. The Couple That Thinks They Deserve Better Than Each Other

5. The First Of Many Disapproving Looks She Will Give

4. They Just Realized They Made A Mistake

3. She Just Found Out About His Credit Card Debt

2. There's Nothing Gay About This Marriage

1. Don't Be Fooled - This Couple Isn't Happy

15 Failed Predictions about the Future

"It will be years --not in my time-- before a woman will become Prime Minister."
--Margaret Thatcher, October 26th, 1969.

She became Prime Minister of the United Kingdom only 10 years after saying that, holding her chair from 1979 to 1990. But she wasn’t all that wrong since she is the only woman to have held this post. Maybe she should have added the word “again.”

“I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.”
--Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943.

It may sound ridiculous now, but the prediction was actually true for about ten years after it was made. Almost every forecaster would settle for a ten year limit on the testing of their forecasts. Of course, by the 1980s and the advent of the PC, such a statement looked plain daft.

“That virus [HIV] is a pussycat.”
--Dr. Peter Duesberg, molecular-biology professor at U.C. Berkeley, 1988,

By 2006, the Joint United Nations Programme on HIV/AIDS and the World Health Organization estimated that AIDS has killed more than 25 million people since it was first recognized on December 1, 1981.

"Drill for oil? You mean drill into the ground to try and find oil? You're crazy."
--Associates of Edwin L. Drake refusing his suggestion to drill for oil in 1859.

Only one hundred fifty years passed by since the first attempt to dig out oil from the ground met such contempt, and now the whole world is trying to look for unimaginable places to satiate the thirst for money that is propelled and sustained on this black gold.

“A rocket will never be able to leave the Earth’s atmosphere.”
--New York Times, 1936.

10 years later, in 1946, the first American-built rocket to leave the earth's atmosphere was launched from White Sands, attaining 50 miles of altitude.

"Reagan doesn’t have that presidential look."
--United Artists Executive, rejecting Reagan as lead in 1964 film The Best Man

Before becoming the 40th President of the United States in 1981, Ronald Reagan pursued an acting career, but spent the majority of his Hollywood career in the "B film" division. In 1964 he was rejected for a part in a movie with presidential candidate theme due to "not having the presidential look".

"The singer [Mick Jagger] will have to go; the BBC won’t like him."
--- First Rolling Stones manager Eric Easton to his partner after watching them perform.

We can only wonder what Sir Michael Philip "Mick" Jagger, Golden Globe, Grammy Award-winning English singer-songwriter, rock musician and occasional actor, has to say about it now.

“Rail travel at high speed is not possible because passengers, unable to breathe, would die of asphyxia.”
--Dr Dionysys Larder (1793-1859)

It may sound impossible to Dr Larder, professor of Natural Philosophy and Astronomy at the University College London back in the 1800, but in 1939 the first high speed train went from Milan to Florence at 165 km/h (102.5 mph). Thankfully no one died. Nowadays these trains go at 200 km/h (125 mph) and faster.

“Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible.”
--Lord Kelvin, 1895.

This was said by Lord Kelvin (British mathematician and physicist, president of the British Royal Society) only eight years before brothers Orville and Wilbur Wright took their home-built flyer to the sandy dunes of Kitty Hawk, cranked up the engine, and took off into the history books.

"There will never be a bigger plane built."
--A Boeing engineer, after the first flight of the 247, a twin engine plane that holds ten people.

What would this engineer say if he saw the current largest passenger plane on earth, the Airbus A380? The Airbus A380 has 50% more floor space than arch rival Boeing's 747 Jumbo, with room for duty-free shops, restaurants and even a sauna, and can provide site for up to 853 people.

"Taking the best left-handed pitcher in baseball and converting him into a right fielder is one of the dumbest things I ever heard."
-- Tris Speaker, baseball hall of famer, talking about Babe Ruth, 1919.

Ruth has been named the greatest baseball player in history in various surveys and rankings, and his home run hitting prowess made him a larger than life figure in the "Roaring Twenties". He became the first player to hit 60 home runs in one season (1927), a record which stood for 34 years until broken by Roger Maris in 1961. Ruth's lifetime total of 714 home runs at his retirement in 1935 was a record for 39 years, until broken by Hank Aaron in 1974.

"Ours has been the first [expedition], and doubtless to be the last, to visit this profitless locality."
---- Lt. Joseph Ives, after visiting the Grand Canyon in 1861.

More than a century later, five million people annually visit this "profitless locality," by car, foot, air, and on the Colorado River itself.

"If excessive smoking actually plays a role in the production of lung cancer, it seems to be a minor one."
--W.C. Heuper, National Cancer Institute, 1954.

In 1964 the United States Surgeon General's Report on Smoking and Health began suggesting the relationship between smoking and cancer, which confirmed its suggestions 20 years later in the 1980s. Nowadays, it’s well known that long-term exposure to tobacco smoke is the most common causes of lung cancer.

"You better get secretarial work or get married."
--Emmeline Snively, advising would-be model Marilyn Monroe in 1944.

In 1944, Marilyn Monroe was discovered by a photographer who encouraged her to apply to The Blue Book modeling agency. She was told by Snively, director of the Modelling Agency that she should became a secretary, besides they were looking for models with lighter hair. So Marilyn dyed her brunette hair to a golden blonde. She finally signed a contract with the agency. And of course, became Blue Book's most successful model.

"Read my lips: No new taxes."
--George Bush, 1988.

That pledge was the centerpiece of Bush's acceptance address, written by speechwriter Peggy Noonan, for his party's nomination at the 1988 Republican National Convention. It was a strong, decisive, bold statement, and you don't need a history degree to see where this is going. As presidents sometimes must, Bush raised taxes. His words were used against him by then-Arkansas Governor Bill Clinton in a devastating attack ad during the 1992 presidential campaign.